When I woke up this morning there was a big black cricket on the floor by the foot of my bed. What does that mean?

There are things I didn’t write about my trip. For most of the time I felt helpless, or helpful-less. I really didn’t know anything. All I had to offer was unskilled labor and the ability to mix drinks. That left me mostly doing nothing until 5 o’clock, cocktail hour. At first I started to do all the dishes and cooking but resented that quickly and the guys often got to it before I did. All I could do of that was my fair share. By the end of the trip I did know a few things, like how to let the jib out when we were tacking, how to adjust the compass (needed to take my bra and glasses off for that one), how to get things ready to go to shore and how to pump air out of a diesel engine. Still I felt pretty dumb. I learned how to tie a few knots and practiced them often. I can tie a bowline with my eyes closed now, or I could by the time I left the boat.

Dreams were odd and vivid on the water. One night I dreamt that there were 6 people missing at sea, the three of us among them. When we did return I found that my mother had decided to kill herself since I was missing and the fact that I was found wasn’t going to change that. She had made up her mind. I spent the rest of the dream trying to find her in a hall of so many rooms to keep her from killing herself. Then there was a dream of someone kissing my torso, lovely gentle kisses like wet leaves. And sounds on the boat coming into dreams- constant bilge water background.

Being a girl on a boat with two guys. Little embarrassments all around and distance to prevent fondness. Wanting sometimes a hug goodnight after being alone for so much of the day and quiet even when I wasn’t alone—what have I got to say about boats or girls? None of it, excepting the hug on Mark’s melancholy day. Nervous to ask to make stops on shore, my silly ways… and they wouldn’t let me pay for anything. Then little bursts of affection, quickly covered up, and tenderness that can’t be put into words.

I think I’ve already lost a good amount of what I meant to say, it’s probably just as well.