Talking today about family and lovers. A lesson in how to fall in love. A lesson in how to be in love.
I had a dream the other night, I'll tell you about it later. Ran into a friend. Not in the dream. Thought of you, all of you.
I can't even remember who my friends are anymore.
Give the baby three oranges and watch her roll them around. Take a walk in the cold. Remember that you have a body. Remember what that means.
Sometimes these things come back to me: a smile, a hand, the way the phone rings. I am trying to make these things into rag dolls. Not like poets do but with fabric and yarn. Most of it scraps.
I wish you would call or write. I have more to say about lovers and more to say about family.
Friday, January 7
One year ago cold air, phone call, quick ride crying to the city to MGH. Time for a few words him listening me talking baby's good, going to be okay, love you, love you. Tried to get up can't get up can't talk smiles and tear in his eye. Morphine drip drip swab his mouth heep him comfortable hold his hand. To the chapel comfort sister to the gift shop busy the boys to the cafeteria salad bar and the hallway coffe shop. Gift shop stationary green with white edges and pad with dots and pen. Write letters never sent. Gift store again sample sale baby clothes for the wee one to be. Brother gives blood borrow shirt sleep in scrubs solitaire knit and read. Ice from the nurses station drinks from vending machines backpack brought in with things we need. Pizza boxes on the window sill brother on the floor father not opening his eyes second night no response heart slowing third day waiting watching holding hand ball to squeeze swab his mouth keep him comfy talk and talk new nurses familiar from before transplant doctors come to say goodbye pay respects. Take the elevator to the top floors Blake 10 nice waiting room look over the charles he was here once come up at night stars and dark and feel alone alone alone but sister's there and we are alone. Tired worn out getting toward peaceful time for bed Sam and I in one himin the other stepmother next to him go to sleep we're all going to sleep together family like and we sleep two three hours nurses come in Jane wakes us he's gone. Wake up relieved hug eachother kiss his forehead hold his hand hand on head again goodbye and put my head on the bed and cry. Say thank you, thank you gather our stuff pack it up clean up pizza boxes call people say goodbye elevator down hospital empty walk outside into the cold first time in days cold air cold drive home route 1 drive east into the sunrise.
Miss you, Da, love you.
Miss you, Da, love you.