Wednesday, June 1

Keeping up appearances:

Use products. Be careful selecting them: some will break your hair or turn glass green. Be conspicuous. Say things like "Today I washed the floor with Better Person. It's the only thing I use now."

Don't watch t.v. Only watch good t.v. Only watch movies on your small t.v. Only watch good made-for-t.v. movies on your t.v. that's small. Only watch small movies.

Be creative. Do creative things with gusto. Be careful; gusto sometimes knocks things down like a strong wind and creative things are often fragile. Break things. Break things and be put-out.

Return phone calls. Good people return phone calls.

Keep up appearances. Brush and shave and wash and neaten. Neaten and wash and shave and brush. Remember to be attractive. Don't just be, be attractive. Everyone must remember to do that at least. It is very important.

Learn to say the right things. Say things like "I think this war is a sham." Don't think about the war. The war makes me sad and nobody likes it when I am sad. Say things like "The war is a sad sham." No, leave sad out. Nobody likes to hear about sad things.

Be polite about families. Comment that that is nice. Nod. Smile. Don't let your own family interfere with your life. It makes friends uncomfortable. Smile and nod. Say they are well, or that you just don't talk anymore.

Make drama. Only make drama when nobody will be put out. Say things like "I called poison control to make sure the birds really can eat red berries. I was dreadfully worried." Be dreadfully worried. Concerned is also a good thing to be. Be concerned about things that are none of your business but that people are interested in. This is useful for small talk. Small talk is useful when you are returning phone calls.

Answer the phone calmly.

Read the books your friends read but only after they have finished them. This will make them feel smarter. Keep quiet about books you don't like; nobody likes a spoil-sport. Be sure to like the books of people you might meet.

Keep your body under control. A body is something to be commented on, not enjoyed. Make sure your body is humble and slightly uncomfortable. Don't be too sure of yourself. It makes people angry. Be certain to dislike most of your body. Talk to your friends about how you would like to change yourself. It makes them feel better than you.

Don't tell people's secrets, unless conversation gets dull. Dull conversation is to be avoided at all costs. Return phone calls. Be attractive and in control. Smile. Nod.

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