Thursday, June 3

Listening to ballads that bring me to tears.

Gerrit and Elijah and I off to lunch today then at the cafe, with Gerrit playing peek-a-boo behind the neon signs and he says something about the people we can never introduce...

I'm bound for the waves, and rain comes in a serpent-cloud over the harbor. In the car home a Kinks song covered by Kirsty MacCall makes me cry. Predictable, really, but still. Bits of sun fighting to shine on the Annisquam , my peas haven't come up yet and my baby will never meet my father.

Then doing dishes just now- this cruel country has driven me down. I've only sad stories... my dreams have withered and died. Thinking of friends who hurt eachother and jealousy and love. They'd run and hide. Sad but with sorrow, not depression. And when those you love hurt eachother, silver moon sailor, silver moon shine. Last night's moon the strawberry moon-- ifI were a butterfly I'd live for a day. My dreams have withered and died.

Baby kicked hard while I was in the tub tonight, hard enough to see my belly move. To Canaan's Land, I sang at my grandmother's service. At a friend's grandfather's funeral old people I can't name asking me to sing when they die. And how time passes-- a love-light shines across the sea and the soul of man never dies.

My grandmother always with something red about her and drinking manhattans. Elijah so dear to me and conceived barely a month after she died. Elijah the same age as the second baby I lost would be and so dear to me, whistles between his teeth sometimes when he breathes and blows kisses. My heart it bleeds, for she loves him indeed. Sing Hi-ho-lay at the end of the day. Elijah who calls "manna's home" when I arrive and who is so dear. Let the years come and go...

The song that made me think of Marnie but now I think Judy and little Emily who isn't so wee any more. Who now will sing me lullabies? Listening to it in the barn playing pool with my sister and Noah then 3 starts to cry because the song sounds so sad and Elizabeth and I can't not cry. The stars are all fading and Emily in California never got her lullabies.

Some tyrant has stolen my true love away. William and Davey, come round here no more- wed I am oh and happy I shall be. Rise my love and go away-- I wish to God I'd gone before you.

The good ship sails on the ally-ally-oh.

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