Cold and broken as the day. Tiny snow crystals dancing around outside the window, occasional birds and cars passing by. The views keep changing. My mother hasn't come to see me today. A little lonely, wish I were busy, wish it were warm enough to want to do anything. Just an hour left before I can go home. Dishes to do there, maybe a warm bath, a chance to just be home.

The world is in constant motion.

Home tonight, Noah's over. Lots of confusion over death and dads. Who is my father now? When Luke Skywalker's father dies Darth Vader became his father and then Darth Vader became a good guy and then he died too. If mom and dad die, we'll take care of you. If I die I promise to call your mom so she can come get you first. My father is still my father and is still Noah's grandfather. He's with us in spirit, like Yoda and Old Ben. But not in blue. That's in spirit in Star Wars.

Ice floes crept over the edge of the pier this morning, stacks of packed ice. I looked for seals.

Lunch with my mother today. First time since my father's passing, first time we've talked. Looking out over Rockport water changing color: cerulean blue and cadmium red and cadmium yellow... now add fuschia... now no yellow... Her first onion ring in years; get rid of the small fears and work on the big ones. Talk a lot, cry just a little, more together than I'd expected.

To violin with coffee and cookies for a quick tune-up. Pegs keep slipping. Over-attentive parents of the next student offering advice for cheering up. I could play duets with their ten-year-old daughter. Take b vitamins. Long walks. They don't know what's going on and nobody tells them.

Finally signed up for Netflix. Maybe now I will see some movies. If you think I should see something, let me know. Chances are I haven't seen it.

As close as I am getting to the bottle...


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Over the bridge and out of town route 128 route 114 route 1 and 62. Fabric store and market and flower store then lunch. Philodendron gardenia dwarf orange hibiscus jasmine. Lamb change mind beef in the pot and mushrooms and onions and Guinness 3 Guinness boil boil boil. Too tired to finish wait to cool cook more in the morning and maybe chocolate bread pudding. Too hard on myself too tired this should pass soon sitting waiting for stew to cool glass shelves and room in the fridge. Someone on my mind someone always on my mind my mind always on someone and a new picture of my da and me got it this morning from my stepmother me young him young and not even any tubes.

Took this quiz to waste time. I guess the result was predictable-- You shook me all night long.

I need to get out and do something. Out of Gloucester, just for a little bit, and soon. I don't really have it in me to go out in Gloucester, too many people to talk to and everybody knows. Except in the seedy bars. I can't quite go to then right now either. Staying in isn't helping much anymore. I just get more and more tired.

Any suggestions?

Two days ago the water between here and the beach had iced over completely. Now that the temperature has risen water is flowing throught he channel, bringing chunks of ice with it. My little cove is still all ice. It is trapping other floes along its edge.

I guess I am well-rested but I lack any momentum. I make little lists in my head of little things I could do then I don't do them. I'll have to get up and do something soon but today is a holiday and that's reason enough for me to do nothing.

Tomorrow. Tomorrow I will do something.

Starting to breathe again, will resurface soon...

My Da:

Richard Lambert Porter, husband of Jane B. (Pirro) Porter of Gloucester died Thursday, January 8 in the Organ Transplant Unit at Massachusetts General Hospital. He was born on May 22, 1950 in Washington, D.C. to Beverly June and Robert Arthur Porter. Porter grew up on Airforce Bases in New York, Texas, and other states around the country before graduating from Punahou High School in Honolulu. He then attended Boston University, graduating with an undergraduate degree in Political Science and a J.D. from Boston University Law School.

Mr. Porter began practicing law with Driscoll and Gillespie in Lynn before opening a practice with Robert Coakley on Middle Street in Gloucester. He served on Gloucester’s Planning Board before being elected as Ward Four Councilor in 1980 for one term then as a Councilor-at-Large for one term, during which he chaired the Planning and Development Committee. He volunteered at Wellspring, where he served on the Board of Directors and was honored for his volunteer efforts. He served on the Board of Directors at Child Development Corporation, was a member of and volunteered as council for the Magnolia Lions and the Magnolia Beach Corporation. He was a communicant of St. Joseph’s Church in Magnolia.

After being put on the lung transplant waiting list in 1991, Richard Porter promoted organ donation and education. He manned tables at the Sidewalk Bazaar, public health fairs, and the Waterfront Festival, and he was involved with the petition to create an Organ Donation stamp. His enthusiasm and commitment drew many community leaders to the cause. In 1999, he received a double lung transplant.

Mr. Porter was a train enthusiast, building model trains, studying milk cars, and visiting museums and model train shows. He enjoyed history. Most of all he enjoyed spending time with his growing family and his good friends. Rick is most remembered for his warmth, his empathy, his strength, and for always finding the good in any situation.

Mr. Porter is survived by his wife, Jane B. (Pirro) Porter, children Samantha K. Porter, Robert H. Porter and his wife Laurel, Amanda K. Cook and her husband James, and Elizabeth P. Grammas and her husband Corey, all of Gloucester. He is also survived by his five grandchildren, Daniel, Andrew, Noah, Elijah and Caleb Grammas of Gloucester; his mother Beverly June Porter of Mililani, HI; his sisters Vicky Domingo and her husband Fred of Mililani, HI; Trudy Schaefer and her husband John of Sacramento, CA; and many nieces and nephews. He is also survived by his friend and law partner Robert Coakley. He is predeceased by his father Robert A. Porter and an infant brother James Porter.

In lieu of flowers, donations can be sent in his name to Wellspring House, 322 Essex Avenue, Gloucester, MA, 01930 and the New England Organ Bank , 1 Gateway Center, Suite 202, Newton, MA, 02458.


*****

Thank you all for your kind words. They mean so much. Remember to pass them along to eachother as well, to everyone you love. Now is and always will be the time.

Sunday morning, coming down. Yucky feeling but less tired than yesterday. I can't wait to not feel worn out.

The house is just about back in order after the party. A total of 47 people made their way through our four rooms. Happy to have Boston friends come out, Dunns and guest, and many more. Lots of kids: Lucy Gavin Seamus Cole Aiden Daniel Andrew Noah Elijah and Caleb. I like my house to be full sometimes.

Resolutions. Are they out of fashion yet? I'm still sticking to mine. On a small scale I am not buying any yarn this year. I am getting rid of at least one thing a day. I have grander resolutions you may hear about later. Right now I have a little too much on my plate for explanations.

Good new year and a seepy day-- lovely party yesterday, I like to have you in my home. Things are decided in an arbitrary way when the year changes. I am as guilty of this as the next fellow but am too tired to talk about it.

Maybe tomorrow.